Humble. Calm. Content. Those are words that at a first glance could describe Sarah. But as soon as she tells me about what she experienced during her relationship with a man who turned out to have an antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), the words acquire a different meaning. In a sense, it is hard to imagine how she did not lose her sanity but managed to evade his machinations and create a new future for herself and her children.
Sarah tells her story with a remarkable insightfulness. Her calm behaviour may derive from the fact that some time has elapsed since she lived in fear, but it becomes clear that she wields an unimaginable inner strength.
The relationship between Sarah and her old boyfriend began in earnest, the contrary of what was to come. He was charming and everyone held him in high regard, including Sarah. But beneath the surface of his captivating manners a more sinister side was hidden which emerged slowly but steadily. He proved to be manipulative and Sarah witnessed how he gradually isolated her from her friends and family. Things became more complicated when the couple had two children who became entangled in the web of schemes created by their father. Having children to raise, the sense of vulnerability grew stronger in Sarah’s mind.
Several things confirmed his disorder and that he was an individual without any regard for other people’s feelings. He used to take out loans in Sarah’s name without her consent, committed frauds and behaved in such a way that she at some occasions feared for her life and the lives of her children. She was further isolated from her family when she moved with him to another town. When he shut down the telephones in their household Sarah virtually lost all contact with her family for several months. The psychological impact was immense. At one point Sarah believed that she would go insane and speculates today what could have happened if she had chosen to stay with this man a little longer.
Sarah eventually regained her senses and decided over a day to leave her boyfriend. She had re-established contact with her family and was able to summon it in order to bring her and the children away from their father. Afterwards, the ex-boyfriend occasionally talked with Sarah over the phone, but eventually vanished for two months and then returned for very sporadic interaction with the children. But true to his nature he was deeply embroiled in new frauds and left Sarah permanently, trying to hide from the law.
People with ASPD, such as psychopaths and sociopaths, are known for their lack of empathy and abuse of other people’s trust. Sarah gives the impression that she has studied its implications in a wide range of different forums. She talks about the uselessness of confrontations between jailed psychopaths and their crime victims. These are meant to give the offenders a chance to appreciate the consequences of their actions, but they are of no use for psychopaths in Sarah’s view since they only give them an opportunity to improve their ability to fake emotions.
Ever since the break-up Sarah has shown tremendous vigour in her effort to put her life together once more. With some help from her family she takes good care of her children and manages to study at the same time in order to acquire a promising future for her and the children. She admits that her trust in men has been badly damaged but she is slowly learning to overcome her fears. The time lived with her ex-boyfriend has taught her to be less judgmental against people whom are falling into a downwards spiral. After all, she only wants to educate people about ASPD and in some way help them to avoid what she experienced.
Daniel Nykvist
