Author: Jim
Johnny Depp is already content with the film, bringing home $56 million, so he's saying to himself, "Why not?". This declaration comes up against the flapping fish out of water that is Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, the latest in the Pirates' franchise.
Few people had any excitement for the films left after the last fiasco, Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End. They were praying for a new director to salvage what was left of the Pirates' world. All hopes were pinned on Rob Marshall as the new director. He did not stand a chance, though, against such terrible writing.
The storyline has Jack Sparrow escaping from the authorities in London to search for his doppleganger and the Lost Fountain of Youth. In essence, he races against himself with Captain Barbosa, Sparrow's own love, Angellica, and the historic Blackbeard. Meanwhile, the Spaniards are quick behind.
This in itself could have been fine, but the plot is littered with junk. Sparrow appears as if he were a homeless drunk meandering through filthy streets, his charm coming across as the stench of a 20-year binge and eating out of garbage cans.
He must locate two silver cups and catch the teardrops of a mermaid in one in order to be able to utilize the Fountain's special abilities. The movie feels more like a computer game, with its do-this, then-do-that, and finally-go-here approach. There is no glory in any of what happens.
Aside from the obtuse senselessness, there is the senseless obtuseness of each and every person in the story backstabbing every other one. This is in line with pirate culture, indeed, but the way it is executed detracts from the point of the story. With every additional about face the viewer grows weary. What should be an element of surprise turns into an expectation, destroying its own nature.
As if these problems were not enough, try tolerating the endless chatter the characters spit at each other. None of the lines are witty or even interesting. The dialog is mere filler while enough time passes between action scenes. Perhaps students of film will be studying it to see how to make a film boring that should easily be exciting.
Jack is always being chased, but we never believe he might be harmed, let alone captured. There is no substance to the action. The whole fiasco suffers from careless and rushed writing.
None of the gadgets are there to stay and only appear for the context in which they are used. They are just as quickly tossed over the shoulder, as are the characters themselves. Nothing makes sense and no one has any substance.
Barbosa tags along behind like a child, Blackbeard is too short-lived in the scenes for us to feel anything about him, and Sparrow and Angelica have no spark left, not even the rivalry of having lost the spark.
The film is more than two hours long, dull, packed full of needless junk, and sucks the life out of the viewer. What was Johnny Depp thinking.
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